How to Ditch The Parts of Life that Are Making You Gag
While training with the Center for Right Relationship, I learned the term role nausea, which “occurs when someone becomes heartily sick of the playing the same role”.
This happens when you’ve been occupying a role such as caretaker, provider, the one who makes it all happen, ideator, optimist, accountant, cook, presenter, etc. Then one day you wake up and realize you just need a break, a reset, a rebirth.
This applies to the roles we occupy in both our professional and personal lives.
And it can bring up a lot of fears around acceptance of the change in roles, the people who will be affected by the revision in roles, and the stories we tell ourselves about our place in the world.
A new client came to me recently seeking coaching because she was entering into a new chapter of life. She was a successful executive of her company and had achieved her professional goals, her kids were off to college, and the nest was empty… and she was feeling that she’d lost herself. She needed to figure out who she was again and what she wanted. She described herself as lost and stuck. So, we scheduled an introductory call.
The woman I encountered on the other end of that call was very different from what she had self-described. She was fierce and lively. She spoke with conviction and clarity about what she wanted, and I palpably felt her impatience to achieve it. This clearly wasn’t a woman lost in the woods searching for who she really was. The essence of who she is was loud and clear, and screaming to come out and play. She was just afraid of how it would be received if she spoke her truth to others.
I had another client who described her work situation as if her boss and team were in a relationship with an “old version” of herself. But it was draining the life out of her to keep pretending she was still that same person.
You see, role nausea happens when you are on the cusp of a major transition. You start to feel like you want to jump out of your skin. Have you felt that before? When you know you’re on the edge of a new life chapter, like you can hear the change train coming, you can’t help but hop on it, but you’re afraid to say it loud to the world for fear that the train will pick up speed and you’ll lose established relationships or accomplishments?
But, maybe the people you are afraid to tell are actually a part of the life you no longer identify with. Maybe you fear giving up your work expectations and goals because these people are counting on you, or because you’ve worked so hard to hit milestones in achieving them in the past. It’s just fear of losing what you’ve worked for and losing the story of your “self” that you’ve known for so long.
If this sounds familiar, it’s time for a role change.
Here are some tips for how to assess and facilitate a role change:
1. Take Inventory of Your Roles
Start by taking inventory of the roles you are currently occupying. Pay special attention to the roles you play in the area of your life where you’re feeling dissatisfaction. Get as specific as you can.
Scan through your last week for the experiences that really drained your energy. Who were you with? Where were you? What were you doing? What ROLE were you playing in that interaction?
Be sure to also look at the activities where you felt most alive, what roles were you playing there? They can inform where you might learn more deeply as you shift your roles.
2. Identify the Needed Role Change
Spend some time reflecting to identify the roles you are ready to vacate.
Which of the roles you listed are causing role nausea or fatigue? If you were able to pass the baton of that role onto someone, knowing you could step away with ease, which roles would you gladly handoff?
What would be the impact of you exiting that role? In some cases, it might create room for someone else to step into that role, which could create an opportunity for their growth. Or maybe that role just isn’t even needed anymore.
What would it be like to no longer carry that responsibility? To be free from that role? What impact would it have on your quality of life? On the people around you?
3. Share With Someone You Trust
As I shared in my previous post about how to travel as a couple, communication about role nausea is key. Once you’ve gained clarity on the role you want to vacate, it’s time to tell someone. Start with someone “low stakes,” where it feels safe to share your desire for a change and it won’t actually begin the change. Talk to someone who wants the best for you and who supports you. Speak your truth and notice how it feels.
4. Map Out A Plan
Now that you’ve said it out loud and are starting to feel the taste of what’s possible, it’s time to map out a plan. This is a great time to hire a coach to help you navigate your path forward, cheer you on, and overcome obstacles as they arise.
What would need to happen in order for you to exit this role? Who else might step into it? What opportunities does that open up? What conversations do you need to have in order to make that a reality?
Create a mini roadmap for yourself.
5. Commit
If you are serious about this shift and unlocking the freedom on the other side, then it’s time to commit. Make the step from just wishing to actively working on your transition. Pick a day on the calendar and mark it with an X - by this day you will have fully vacated your role regardless of how you make it happen. Share your target date with as many people as you feel comfortable.
6. Start Working The Plan
Do the research, have the conversations, run the experiments. With each action, you are one step closer to shedding that skin and relinquishing your duties in the role that no longer serves you.
Some roles exits are quick and easy, others take time to detangle from our sense of identity. Be gentle with yourself and remember, you are always at choice!