3 Steps to Better Boundaries: The Sacrifice Wheel

Jun 19

Do you remember the last time you said yes to something you dreaded? That feeling inside when you really didn’t want to take on that thing but you agreed anyway. And then they didn’t even say thank you, or return the favor when you needed it? Then it happened again, and again. And you found yourself feeling resentful, unappreciated, maybe even a little used?

Sound familiar? You just took a spin on the Sacrifice Wheel.

I first learned of this concept from a couples therapist. And despite searching I haven’t found the originator so I recreated it myself because it’s SO powerful & I use it all the time in my personal life and with clients.

Here’s How It Works:

The Inauthentic Yes
Someone makes a request of you and whether you realize it at first or not, it’s a NO for you. For whatever reason you say YES anyway. Maybe you feel obligated, maybe you’re afraid what will happen if you say NO. Regardless, you make an assumption of what will you will get in return.
The Assumption
Maybe you assume you’ll get a thank you or some public acknowledgement, be better positioned for a promotion, get a favor in return, or be financially compensated.
More often than not we make this assumption but don’t express it. We think we’ve entered into an agreement but the other party is not aware.
The Unsatisfying Energy Exchange
So we do the thing, and the thing we expect in return never happens.
Anger, Guilt, Resentment
And then we have all kinds of unpleasant feelings about it (anger, guilt for feeling or behaving angrily, and then resentment), which makes us resent the other party even more for “making us feel that way”. Grrrrr!
If this cycle continues repeatedly we start to “train others how to treat us” (bah!) and the anger, guilt, resentment builds and builds - until our nervous system gets stuck in a dysregulated state. This is where we experience illness, burnout, and all kinds of unhealthy coping behaviors.

So what can we do instead?

The antidote to the Sacrifice Wheel is

AWARENESS & CHOICE

It looks like this:

Notice Your No
Step 1 is getting to know what a YES or NO feels like to you. Without that you will keep spinning around the Sacrifice Wheel. Pay attention to what it feels like when someone you love spending time with asks you to your favorite restaurant (YES!) or when you get asked to do something you dread (NO!). Notice where you feel a relaxation vs. a clenching sensation in your body, the first clue is always in your body.
And if it’s not an immediate YES….
Ask Yourself: What Would Make it a Yes?
What tweaks could you make to the request that would turn it into a YES? Maybe it’s a yes with a different timeline? Or for a smaller version of the ask? Or for some sort of payment/exchange? Try on different options saying them outloud to yourself and see how your body responds. Is there a version you can propose that is a clear YES?
Or is this an opportunity to be generous and make this effort a gift? Notice if it feels like a boundary crossing if you are choosing to gift the request.
Decide & Respond: Gift, Redesign or No?
Now it’s time to choose your own adventure. Which of the following do you choose?
A. Say yes and consider it a gift, with no expectations. (Pro tip: It’s the unmet expectation that creates the resentment!)
B. Propose a redesign: “I would be happy to do that if we could modify X, would that work for you?”
C. Decide it’s a hard no and gracefully decline. (This is a whole topic in it’s own)

Congratulations, regardless of what you chose, you just held a boundary! You noticed a boundary about to get crossed, you brought curiosity to it, to decided what would work for you and you took action accordingly.

The next time someone makes a request of you, ask yourself , “Is this a sacrifice or an opportunity?

The topic of boundaries is a big one. Responding to requests is just one component. Try it out & see how it goes. Notice where else boundaries come up for you. I’d love to hear your struggles so I can share relevant tools. Send me a note lisa@rebelxlabs.com!